


Old Wounds and New Wounds

by sochill



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: M/M, ex best friends to lovers, jared also cries, jared yells
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-09
Updated: 2020-08-11
Packaged: 2021-03-06 06:48:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,927
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25799206
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sochill/pseuds/sochill
Summary: Sometimes I think it would take a lot of growing up and some therapy for Jared to make amends with Evan. But sometimes I think he'd break down if he ever heard how bad things really were for Evan. This is the latter. (AKA Jared finds out how Evan broke his arm and loses it because he feels so guilty about how he acted.) TW for conversations about suicide and also a lot of cussing
Relationships: Evan Hansen/Jared Kleinman, Kleinsen - Relationship
Comments: 3
Kudos: 125





	1. Part One

**Author's Note:**

> In which Jared connects some dots and then promptly has a breakdown

Evan heard the banging from all the way in his room. He crept into the hall and peered down the stairs as his mother opened the front door.

On their porch was one extremely pissed off looking Jared Kleinman. Evan sighed. He knew this was coming sooner or later.

“Hi Ms. Hansen.” He snapped. “I need to talk to your son.”

Heidi looked like she was about to send Jared away but Evan stood up and called down to her.

“It’s fine mom. Let him in.” He knew he deserved whatever was coming. He’d royally screwed up everything. Jared had every right to scream at him.

Jared stomped up the stairs. Evan followed, closing the door as they walked into his room and waiting for the yelling to start. He didn’t have to wait long.

“You’re an asshole you know that!”

“Yes.” Evan sighed. Jared was not deterred.

“You’re a jerk and a dick and even _I_ wouldn’t-! I mean you _really_ -!” His anger seemed to prevent him from using complete sentences. “I mean I’m the _reason_ this even worked and you have the NERVE to just ditch me!” He fumed. His fists were clenched and Evan vaguely wondered if Jared would punch him. He didn’t think so. Jared wasn’t the violent type as much as he wanted people to think he was.

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t.” Jared whipped around to glare at him. “Do _not_ apologize to me now. You think that fixes everything! You got so lucky with all of this! You’re the luckiest motherfucker on the planet! You’re a fraud! And somehow you pulled it off! You know how fucking ridiculous that is? I mean you got so damn _lucky_!”

“Maybe I deserved a little luck!” Evan suddenly yelled back. He was surprised at himself. But he didn’t back down. “My life has been _shit_ for so long. Maybe it was my turn to have something good happen!”

“Oh yeah your life was awful huh?” Jared sneered. “With your loving mom and good grades-”

“AND CRIPPLING ANXIETY AND NO FRIENDS AND BEING LONELY ALL THE FUCKING TIME!” Evan screamed, finishing Jared’s thought for him.

“YEAH WELL WE ALL GOT ISSUES!” Jared yelled back. “WELCOME TO THE FUCKING CLUB. BUT YOU! YOU GOT TO JUST GET RID OF ALL THAT SHIT HUH? GOT TO BE FREE FROM ALL YOUR FUCKING PROBLEMS AND YOUR HORRIBLE LIFE! ALL BECAUSE YOU FELL OUT OF A GOD DAMN TREE!”

Jared suddenly went very still. His eyes widened as a look of realization washed over his face. Evan saw all of the anger physically drain from his body. He was staring at Evan.

“You…” His voice was much quieter than it had been a second ago. He swallowed. “Evan.”

Evan didn’t respond. He didn’t know what to say. He wasn’t sure he could speak anyway.

“Evan.” Jared repeated, almost at a whisper. “How did you break your arm?”

“I fell out of a tree.” Evan mumbled.

“Bullshit.” Jared whispered. Then he raised his voice again. “Bullshit! Tell me the truth. Tell me you-” He stopped and chewed his bottom lip. He couldn’t seem to physically get the words out.

“I fell out of-”

“Don’t fucking lie to me Evan!” Jared yelled.

“I did it on purpose!” Evan threw his hands up. “Okay? I jumped! Is that what you want to hear!”

“Fuck.” Jared swore, staring at him. “No of course it’s not what I fucking…” He clenched his jaw and backed up until he dropped onto Evan’s bed. He dragged a hand down his face. “You…”

Evan sat next to him, unsure what to do. It was quiet for a while until Evan couldn’t take it anymore.

“Jared.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Jared asked softly.

“Is that a joke?” Evan scoffed. Jared looked at him and Evan could see tears brimming in his eyes. Not a joke. “I didn’t think you’d… care.”

Jared closed his eyes and sucked in a breath. Then, he made a horrible sound somewhere between a laugh and a sob. Evan hated that sound and he hated being the one who caused it even more.

“Because I’m an asshole.” He said without opening his eyes.

“Well… yeah. That’s one way to put it.” Evan shrugged.

Jared nodded.

“Are you… mad at me?” Evan asked. “For saying that?”

Jared made that awful crying sound again. And Evan hated it again. It was an ugly sound. A sad sound. The complete opposite of Jared’s normal dorky laugh. It made Evan feel cold and sick.

“Yeah Evan I’m fucking pissed.” The sarcasm came through even under the rawness of his voice. He opened his eyes and dragged them to Evan’s. He shook his head. “No. I’m not mad at you. I’m mad at me.”

“You didn’t know.”

“I should’ve!” Jared’s voice shook only the slightest bit. “You should’ve felt like you could…. You shouldn’t have been alone that day. You shouldn’t have _felt_ alone all the fucking time. I should’ve… you know…” He trailed off. He waved his hand halfheartedly. “Whatever.”

“Jared,” Evan sighed. “Even if you were… whatever. I might still have felt that way. I never told my mom either. I just mean it wasn’t because of you, you know? I might have still wanted to.”

“Yeah but maybe you wouldn’t have. Or maybe you would have but you’d have a friend. Someone to talk to who’s not your mom. Maybe it wouldn’t have been so bad. Even if I didn’t help, I wouldn’t have made it worse.”

“You didn’t know.” Evan repeated.

“Yeah and that’s my fucking fault!” Jared yelled and then glared at his hands. Evan watched a tear fall into his lap.

“I’m sorry.”

“What the hell are you sorry for?” Jared frowned without looking up.

“I don’t know.” Evan shrugged. “You’re crying. I’m just… sorry.”

Jared snorted and wiped his face, readjusting his glasses.

“Are you gonna keep yelling at me or are you done with that?”

“No I’m not gonna fucking yell at you, idiot.” Jared rolled his eyes.

“I wish you would.”

Jared frowned at him. “What?”

“I don’t know what to do with sad Jared.” Evan smiled slightly. “Yell at me. It’s more comfortable.”

“You’re an idiot.” Jared said.

“Yeah.”

“You’re so stupid.”

“I know.” Evan nodded.

“You’re a dumbass and…” Jared lunged forward and crushed Evan into his chest. They hadn’t hugged in years, but strangely it didn’t feel weird to let Jared squeeze the breath out of him.

“I’m so sorry.” Jared mumbled into his shoulder.

“For what?”

“Everything.” Jared balled his hands in the back of Evan’s shirt. “I always cared. I thought you knew that.”

“I did.” Evan lied.

He felt Jared shake his head. “No you didn’t. And it’s my fault and I’m sorry. Just let me be sorry."


	2. Part Two

They stayed liked that for a long time. When they finally pulled away, Jared wiped his eyes and laid back on Evan’s bed. Evan wasn’t sure what to do but he certainly wasn’t going to ask Jared to leave. So, he laid beside him.

“I’m so-” Jared started but he was interrupted by Evan’s hand on his face.

“I know.” Evan said. “Be quiet.”

Jared pushed Evan’s arm away but left his hand on top of Evan’s. Evan moved his hand slightly and Jared intertwined their fingers.

“Are we-”

“Shut up.” Jared said quickly.

Evan tried not to move. He didn’t want Jared to stop holding his hand. But they _were_ holding the hands that were farthest from each other which made laying comfortably a little difficult.

“I know we’re um, not talking about it.” He said. “But this is super uncomfortable.”

“Oh my god.” Jared pulled his hand away and stuck it behind his head instead.

“I didn’t mean-”

“Nope.” Jared shook his head. “You ruined it. Moment’s over.”

“Jared.” Evan sighed. He looked at him for a moment before reaching out and nudging Jared’s closer hand with his own. Jared didn’t look over but he moved his hand and allowed Evan to lace their fingers together. Evan tried for a long time to think of something to say but nothing came to mind. Jared didn’t seem bothered by the silence. He was staring at Evan’s ceiling and if his eyes hadn’t been open, Evan would’ve thought he was asleep.

They had been in Evan’s room for a while. The sun was setting and Evan could just make out Jared’s face in the fading light.

The last bits of sunlight faded away and Jared suddenly rolled onto his side and tugged Evan closer by their joined hands. He draped his other arm over Evan’s waist. They didn’t talk. Just laid there in the dark, both lost in their own thoughts.

“Jared.” Evan whispered. “You’re gonna break my hand.”

“Huh?” Jared blinked. “Oh shit. Sorry.” He loosened his death grip on Evan’s fingers.

“What were you thinking about?”

“Nothing.”

Jared let go of his hand to pull Evan properly into his chest. Evan quickly adjusted to the new position.

“I’m sorry.” Jared whispered.

“Stop it.” Evan frowned.

“No. I shouldn’t have-”

“Jared.” Evan pushed himself up on his arms so he could look at Jared (as well as he could in the dark). “Stop.” He whispered and then, in a surge of confidence he didn’t know the origin of, he leaned down and pressed his lips to Jared’s.

Jared stared at him with wide eyes when he pulled away. Evan imagined he looked the same.

“I’m…… um.” He said.

Jared grabbed the front of his shirt and pulled him back down, connecting their lips once more.

“Yeah me too.” Jared said once the pulled apart. Evan still couldn’t find any words so he just laid down again, feeling Jared’s thumb rub up and down on his shoulder.

“Evan.”

Evan blinked. It was still dark in his room and he felt like he’d hardly slept. “Hmm?”

“Can you scoot over?” Jared grumbled.

Embarrassment rushed through Evan. He was still laying on Jared, who had apparently changed his opinion on that.

“Oh. Uh. Yeah. Of course.” Evan shuffled over to the other side of the bed.

Jared snorted. “I didn’t mean away from _me_.” He rolled over to toss his arm over Evan again. “I meant away from the edge of the bed. I was about to fall off.”

“Oh.” Evan relaxed and moved back towards Jared. Jared hummed. “Sorry. It’s just… new.” Evan mumbled.

“I know. It’s a big change I guess.” Jared laughed softly. “It’ll just take some getting used to.” He stiffened suddenly. “Or I mean, if you just want to be friends, we can do that too. I’ll be better at it. But we don’t have to do this if you don’t want to.”

“No!” Evan tugged Jared’s arm back over him. “I want to do… this.”

“Oh. Good.” Jared relaxed. “Me too.”

“What were you thinking about earlier?” Evan blurted. “When you were crushing my hand.”

“Oh.” Jared shifted. “Um, I was just… thinking about if you hadn’t just broken your arm.” He said, so quiet Evan almost didn’t hear it.

“Oh.”

“I know I was the worst and I never showed it, but I did care about you. I always did. I would’ve been…” Jared took a shaky breath. “I would have been devastated if you… if something happened to you. Especially if you thought I hated you. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you earlier. I’m sorry I wasn’t there.”

“It’s okay.” Evan found his hand in the dark. “You’re here now. And so am I. So we can start from here.”


End file.
